My name is Lou and I’m 38 years old. I started Roller Derby in August 2018, and it was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done.
I suffer from Social Anxiety, and find new situations and new people, incredibly overwhelming, and incredibly difficult. Being afraid of everything can be incredibly exhausting and brain consuming, and I get scared everyone will think I’m an idiot, will spend a lot of time doubting and going over situations that have happened in my head time and time again to make sure everything I’ve said is okay. My brain can be a not so fun battle.
I saw that WIltshire Roller Derby was still going strong when a friend passed through skate academy and shared her post, it was something I’d thought about many times but thought it wouldn’t be for me. I decided I could do it, absolutely I could do this. I could definitely definitely do it (I told myself time and time again!) and emailed in.
Thankfully, when I arrived on my first night, there was someone obviously carrying a pair of roller skates or I probably would have bottled it when I couldn’t figure out where to go!!
I had a couple of breaks, about a month in my Nan died and I was off for a month, we went on a holiday where the Jet lag had me out of sync for weeks, and then my daughter had a month of Thursday commitments, and every time I had to fight to make myself go back. Every time was like the first time when I had to sit in my car and cry and physically force myself into that building, when quitting would have been easier.
Everyone at WRD has been impossibly welcoming and friendly, even if I’ve been missing it’s like I’ve never been gone at all when I’m back. Without knowing the internal struggles I have, everyone has been just flat out supportive and made me feel like I’m somewhere that I can be me, it doesn’t matter that I’m fat and old, it doesn’t matter that whilst I’ve been learning they have occasionally had to wait for me to build up the confidence to be able to hit people. I was a Figure skater for 15 years of my life so skating is something that is very natural to me and makes me feel free and calm, and roller derby has bought some of that back to my life. It’s given me something to take pride in, make me feel like I can actually still achieve something again that is just for me. I’m a working Mum of two (aged 10 and 6) and it felt like everything I did in my life was about everyone else being happy, so this really gave me something that was mine. I’m two skills away from passing up to main league, and that brings with it a whole new set of fears. The idea that I still have no idea what I’m doing haunts me, the fact I might say something stupid, do something stupid, come across as an idiot, I’ll forget what a whistle is for, and anything else that could possibly go wrong is already happening in my brain! Part of me is so excited, and so scared all at the same time!
I wish I’d had the courage to come years ago and spend more time doing this. So if you really want to try this, and you’re scared, of people, of places of sport or of all of it, see if you can find it in you to just ask if you can come to a training session. If you want me to come with you then I will, I will pick you up and bring you, or wait for you in the car park and walk in with you so the fear of walking into a new place alone doesn’t have to be a worry for you. Roller Derby has given me a new burst of life through one of the hardest years of my life, and I’d recommend it to anyone.
And for those of you who may be curious, my name comes from my Maiden name which is Gravier, my Dads nickname is Bisto, I’m his kid so 😁 there you have it.
And I really love Star Trek.
So, LLAP.
